Me and Amy are back together. :D

HappyHappyJoyJoy! TINGLY SENSATION! WeWt!

Plenty of happiness.. Ah... -Simmers down a little.-

I'm sitting in my own self-righteousness. Mmm. -Shiver.- Oh, good feeling. ^_^

-Skitters off to play a game so that Amy will come back sooner.- ;_;

- Shane

Tiffany, the girl I liked from IRL, fucked me over.

Lol. Like I didn't see that coming... She's turned Alex and Toneh against me.

Like they weren't already against me in the first place, because they were jealous as fuck that I had Tiffany.

Anyway, that's about it.

Btw, I'm EXTREMELY happy, now! ^_^ I did something that I've been meaning to do for the past... Shit... 7 months? However long it's been.

Can't say anything about it, yet. But.. It's the best thing I've done in forever. =)

-Runs off.-

- Shane     -A.K.A.-      [] † [] Sinister Insanity [] † []

Well, I'm sitting here at my desk, chillin'. Waitin' for about 4pm before I can call someone... I'm actually out and about, doing things around the house, cleaning my room, taking out the trash.. Etc. I feel good.

Why? Because I went out yesterday.. I met some people.. And I was looked at.

I mean in the "...Oh.. My.. Who is that hottie...?"

It felt great, knowing that I was turning heads. I was wearing my beige khaki's, and my beige long-sleeve shirt, pulled up above the elbows. I was decked out in my hat, my bracelet, my ring, my wallet.. I was pimpin'.

I felt alive. I felt great. Came home, and this one girl Tiffany called me.. One of Toneh's friends from school, whom he's been trying to get for the past 3 weeks. I talked to her for 3 hours on the phone, and she told me that she really liked me. Noting: She was embarassed so I knew she meant it.

Toneh's been telling me all this bad shit about this girl, about how skanky and slutty she is and stuff. I see nothing wrong with her.. She's got all the attributes I like in a girl. She's smart, she's funny, and she has my same sick sense of humor. :D It's so great. I think I'm actually starting to like her.

YES! THAT'S RIGHT! SHANE IS ACTUALLY LIKING A GIRL FROM REAL LIFE!

OmgLikeIt'sAMiracle.

Lmao.. I told Toneh about me and her getting to like and know one another, and he is really pissed at me right now. All depressed and shit. I did in 3 hours what he couldn't in 3 weeks.

I'm so proud. ^^;

-Waves and slips off to do something else for the next hour or so.-

- Shane

I got in contact with Amy... I've been watching her MSN statuses for a while. Killed me to do it, but I still did. Every night I'd just sit at the computer, appearing offline to everybody... And I'd just read her status over and over again. Life, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. Heh...

She knows, now. However much I tried to keep it from her before.. I just flat out gave her the link to my Xanga, to show her.

-Glances upwards towards the ceiling, gnawing idly on his cheek.-

She.. Doesn't hate me.. She never hated me.. Just the shock of me breaking my promise to her, again, made her angry for a while.. But like she said.. "It just takes a while for people to cool off. Some, longer than others. Everyone's blood boils down after a while.."

She asked me.. What made me think that me shoving her away would cause her less pain. She asked if I thought she'd just say "Fuck you, go away."

Stupidly, I had thought that's what she was going to do. I had thought that she wouldn't want to be with a person who would most likely hit the coffin in a few years, really without a chance to spend her life with that person.

I don't know if she still loves me. All the shit I've put her through has most likely just worn her out enough to where she's at the point of "Shane.. I care.. But I don't love you any more. I just am sick and tired of all the drama."

That's my opinion, remember? But I won't get my hopes up, as to the truth..

I told her I'd post what 2 dreams I've had of her, being the only dreams I've had since.. Well.. Before I left her.

First Dream, 6 Days Ago: Me and her were in a dark area, like a movie with actors against a green screen, where there was nothing but the actors. As if the background had been turned black as night, and nothing but us were able to be seen, and we were as clear as if it was high noon. We were both naked.. And we were holding each other. Just standing against one another, touching, caressing, and just... It was not sexual. Our hands were running along each others skin, but we never touched in a sexual way. Our hands never touched each other's, say; crotch or breasts or ass or anything like that. Our hands just ran along each others arms, hips, sides, necks, faces... A true "Lover's Embrace." As much as I can remember from that dream, which was as vivid as if it were real life.. It was nothing but 20 or so minutes of dream-time... Just embracing... That's all of the first dream

Second Dream, Today, 2 Hours Ago When I Woke Up: It was my house, but I knew it was in Australia. Her family was in it, and so were we. Like I had gone to visit her, but it was my house. That entire dream consisted of me and Amy holding each other in "my" bed. Her family was in the room, but they looked like they were busy with an every day routine. Every time they came near, and sometimes when they were off doing something else, they would look over at us and smile.. We were just laying in "my" bed, arms wrapped around one another, in the same embrace as from the first dream. Just.. Staring into each other's eyes.. Smiling, loving, caressing... Near the end of the dream, her family disappeared, and we were alone. Our clothes just.. Vanished. We sidled up next to one another and... Well... We made love. Nothing normal sex would be, but slow and soft, sensual love making.. Something two people deeply in love would partake in. I woke up a bit after that, mid-sex, heh...

Well, Amy.. Those were my dreams... And they felt so real... Felt so good... Just being with you like that... I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to stay there forever.. With you..

-Sighs, finishing this.- I have things to do..

- Shane

When was the last time I updated this? Weeks? A month? ...I don't know.

My life is just.. A big pile of shit right now.. I really can't handle all of this incessant whining, groveling, and stupid annoying bitching about life.

Yeah.. I'm talking about myself. The shit I'm doing.

Big surprise? Hardly.

I'm... Crying a lot, lately. I know why, I know it doesn't help, but I still do it... I cry so much, so often. I even watched STAR TREK. I cried at parts in all 3 movies. When Dekker joined with Illea in Star Trek 1, I cried. When Spock died in 2, I cried. When Spock was revived at the end in 3, I cried.

...Is it just me, or am I really.. Just breaking down?

There's so much weight on my shoulders I find it hard to get up in the morning. I've been sleeping a lot, haven't been on a lot, and when I have been, I've been playing StarCraft... Trying to forget.. Trying to stop the pain... It works, but not as much as I'd like.

Right now I'm listening to [] Annie Lennox - Into The West [] ..A song which Amy gave me. It still hurts to talk about her.. I still do love her very much. I don't even know why I left her in the first place.

...Actually, I do.. Yeah, that was the reason.. -Rubs a hand across his face, tears welling up in his eyes once again.-

I may as well come out with it. Why I left Amy this past time.. And why I cry so much, why I'm secluding myself from the world...

I'm dying. I have cancer. And I most likely won't live past my 18th birthday.. If even I do make it that far.

I left Amy the day I found out... I just couldn't stand letting her know. Letting her be with me for the next 2 years, then one day me disappearing into death.. I didn't want to hurt her.

All this shit that I said she's done, all the "crap she's talked", all the lies... It isn't true. I just used a perfectly normal subject to blow out of proportions, and get an easy way out.

I've known I've had it for... God it's felt like years... Well, the day I left Amy. A month? Two? I don't even count them, anymore. I never did. Since I found out... I've given up all hope. There are only a select few people I've told about it. And most of my IRL friends don't even know. And I want to keep it that way.. I know Toneh will see this sooner or later, but I really hope he doesn't for the longest time. I don't want him to freak out or anything. I want to put it off as long as possible, to give him an easy life.

I'm shaking, because I didn't want to say any of this... I wanted to disappear and never be seen again, nobody knowing where I've gone.

Heh.. Damn me and my caring. Damn me wanting people to at least KNOW I exist.. Even if I die shortly after.

I haven't left my mark in this world.. But I hope I've left my mark in people's hearts... I want to be remembered as I am. Not a nice or caring guy, not an asshole with no heart... But Shane. Not "That one guy who died of cancer." Haha... That's the worst that could happen. I want people to know...

I'm Shane William Beach. My mother is Rosalinde Maria Trautwein Beach. My father is Ellis Matthew Beach. I have 3 brothers, all older.

I am a person. I am a being. I am living. I have a life.

I believe in God.. But I have felt for the longest time that he has had some personal vendetta against me.

I was wrong. It was me all along.. Refusing to accept that he's been trying to help. I put myself in this mess. I put myself in the position I'm in. I can not blame him for having enough compassion to try and show me my path..

I have friends. Not very many, but they are good friends. I would not trade them for anything.. Even if I could trade them for not having cancer.

I love you people so much. All you've done is tried to help me, and I spat in your face. It was me all along.. I was the one doing the wrong, I was the one making the mistakes. I am sorry for blaming all of you for that which -I- did. ME. NOBODY ELSE.

But most of all... Amy? I love you. I never stopped. I just didn't want you to hurt any more. I love you so very much... I have never given up on you. I never meant to cause you harm, but I was just too stubborn to see that life IS too short to hold grudges.. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry.. I know you will never forgive me for the pain I've put you through.. But I am sorry, regardless.

-Smiles slightly, closing his eyes as the song [] Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes [] plays.-

Behind my blue eyes... I see the world anew. Behind my blue eyes, I will make a difference. Behind my blue eyes... I will make it worth it.

- Shane